Dear Coach Paradise,
I, too, had one of those bossy relatives. (See “Coach Paradise: Try Looking at Bossy Relative Through Fresh Eyes.”.) Every visit was a nightmare of anticipation, and whether or not my bossy brother-in-law made his usual painfully sarcastic remarks or not, I was on guard just in case. Fortunately, I don’t have to deal with him any more. He went away with my divorce.
I have learned something, however, which I did not see addressed in your advice to the person singin’ the family-reunion blues. Many people are overbearing or have some other negative characteristic which causes family members to cave in because they don’t want to deal with the fallout of anger if the other person doesn’t get his or her way. What they are really doing is enabling the person to continue the negative behavior. My husband and I recognized this in a number of the family relationships we have each had, and have resolved to no longer be enablers.
Perhaps you could suggest a way in which family and friends can help bring about a change of behavior by refusing to enable it any longer. So many of these adults just never grew up. When I can avoid such people, I do. When I can’t, I make sure I don’t give in to their every whim; instead, I am firm about what is important. They have to learn that the world does not revolve around them — they aren’t children any longer.
Finally, I wish people would realize that if they treated their relatives the way they treat their friends, their family relationships would probably be more loving.
Signed,
Older and Wiser
Dear Older and Wiser,
Thank you for taking the time to respond and to share your wisdom. I know that anyone reading this will be helped by your experience and by how clearly you have described your evolution from cowering sister-in-law to someone who is clear about how she wants to treat her friends and family and how she expects to be treated.
I also appreciate your pointing out that I suggested a way “around” the bossy sister-in-law in my previous reply to “singin the family-reunion blues,” and focused on how the writer could enjoy himself in spite of annoying, bossy behavior. I still believe there is something to be said for shifting your focus and deciding that you are going to enjoy yourself anyway.
However, there are certainly times when we do tolerate people who are negative, unkind, sarcastic or simply not good for us. Getting rid of “tolerations” is a way to unclutter our inner and outer lives and free up our energy. This may mean we need to remove ourselves from certain situations, choose not to spend time with people who are “toxic” and let people know what it is that we will no longer tolerate.
Sometimes people “get it” and wake up. Sometimes they don’t. Sometimes there are conspiracies within families that enable bad behavior. People often have a stake in maintaining the status quo, avoiding conflict, keeping things superficial, protecting secrets. It takes real courage to speak the truth and then to act on it, and there is no guarantee that people will change just because you tell it like it is. And, as you said in your letter, they may be angry.
A basic premise of coaching is that to “look, see and tell the truth” opens the door to all true change. You are clearly someone who has been willing to make changes in your life which have resulted in greater honesty, loving relationships and lots of wisdom. Thank you again for sharing this with me and with my readers.
To your happiness,
Coach Paradise
Editor's note: Coach Paradise (AKA Anne Nayer), Professional Life Coach, is a member of the International Coaching Federation, an MSW clinical social worker-psychotherapist and a medical case manager with 30 years experience working with people of all shapes, sizes and challenges.
For further information about her services, call 774-4355 or email her.
