In his biweekly column, Langley Shazor speaks to issues important to men within the territory.
“Misery loves company” is something we have heard since time immemorial. Many of us have experienced this and have been victims of the contagion that is misery. Being in certain spaces and around certain individuals can be downright draining. I am sure all of us can recall a time where we felt exhausted, depleted, and worn out from those conversations. Quite literally, your energy can be upended and shifted by the wrong locations and persons.
However, today we are going to speak to the perpetrators. We often talk about protecting our space, our peace, enforcing boundaries, and staying firm in our resolve. What we don’t talk about as often is changing our behaviors when we are the ones contaminating spaces and the lives of others. It is always difficult to both acknowledge and adjust our perspectives and lenses when we are the problem. Today we can begin the journey to self-decontamination.
We have all been seeing a lot of things on social media lately, riddled with negativity and disagreement. We see the news and feel the effects of poor decision making at all levels of leadership and in all sectors. We wake up daily with a slight tinge of apprehension due to the uncertainty of what lies ahead, locally, regionally, and globally. So, it is quite natural to be frustrated, irritated, angry, outraged, discouraged, helpless, and sometimes, hopeless. We must allow ourselves to feel and to work through those feelings to help find solutions.
The complication with this is that many of us aren’t actually doing the work to heal or overcome what is happening internally. We are weaponizing and projecting it into every room we enter and onto every person we encounter. We stew and steam until we boil over. That is the best case if you have some semblance of emotional regulation. Many people simply explode immediately and everyone is collateral damage. This is not only unhealthy, but unfair, and frankly should be intolerable by those in close proximity.
I recently gave a presentation entitled “Taking Care of You: Redirecting Stress”, where we discussed the types of stresses and ways to address and mitigate them. One of the points that really hit home with two different audiences was the conversation around self-induced stress. Some of the stress factors we highlighted were setting unreasonable expectations, overbooking, too much screen time, among others. I mention this here because some of us refuse to accept responsibility for our role in what is happening in our lives. We are very quick to be victims and shirk the idea that we are also perpetrators of our own misery. Sometimes, we have to stop thinking that something is happening to us and realize that it is happening because of us.
This skewed belief is part of what justifies projecting our issues, pains, sufferings, troubles, trials, and struggles onto others. Even if you are truly innocent in whatever affliction you are experiencing, the people who have nothing to do with it, or are not the cause of it or being treated unfairly. If you are unable to regulate your emotions, you need to stay away from people. If you are unable to stay away from people due to having a family or a job without the availability for time off, then you need to learn how to regulate your emotions. The cycle of irregulated emotions looks like this: you have an attitude, so you infect innocent bystanders who then take on your state and return the same attitude. This reaction gives you a sense of entitlement and justification, thereby increasing the license to keep this poor behavior prominent. What exacerbates this series of events is that you never stop to look at your conduct as the catalyst, only continue to identify the reactions of those around you.
We must stop looking out the window and start looking in the mirror. One of the final thoughts of the aforementioned presentation was a quote by the Dalai Lama which said, “If a problem is fixable, if a situation is such that you can do something about it, then there is no need to worry. If it’s not fixable, then there is no help in worrying. There is no benefit in worrying whatsoever.” To reiterate the self-induced stress aspect, we need to let things go we can’t fix or change, and if we can do either, we need to stop focusing on the issue and start focusing on the solution. Furthermore, while we are on this path to stabilization, we need to eradicate infecting the spaces we inhabit. Failure to do so will have us waking up one day isolated and alone because we have destroyed every network, burned every bridge, and ostracized every person who cared for us. Unfortunately, some people have and will experience this and still fail to understand it was a product of their own doing.
You do not have to suffer the fracturing of your foundation and circle and the dissolution of your support. You do not have to live a life of misery and undue suffering. You do not have to be the reason people don’t want to be around you. Take the initiative to be your own vaccination and keep the infection from spreading.
Langley “Casual-Word” Shazor is a poet, author, publisher, entrepreneur, public speaking coach, podcast host, and pastor who is an advocate for youth and men. His goal is to enlighten, empower, and liberate those who are silenced, marginalized, and enslaved to self-destructive thoughts and behaviors. Visit thecasualword.com.
Editor’s Note: Opinion articles do not represent the views of the Virgin Islands Source newsroom and are the sole expressed opinion of the writer. Submissions can be made to visource@gmail.com.
