In his bi-weekly column, Langley Shazor speaks to issues important to men within the territory.
In a recent Positive Pivot (my live videos on Saturdays on Facebook), I spoke about the need to push in your chair and excuse yourself from the wrong tables. One of the other concepts that I mentioned briefly, and will dive deeper into later, is the table. An increasingly popular phrase that seems to be a buzz question amongst quasi-mental health professionals, influencers, and society in general is “What do you bring to the table?” The issue I take with this philosophy is this: we focus so much on the location that we miss the table itself and what type of person is arriving to it.
We are the location. When we speak about bringing something to the table, what we are saying is, “What are you bringing to me?”. We are so self-absorbed with what someone has to contribute, we fail to look at ourselves to see if we present the correct place setting. Often, the thought pattern is one sided; we are only concerned about ourselves, seldomly about the other person and our effect on them. Is your table (your space; mentally, physically, emotionally, spiritually) a healthy one? Is it a safe space? Can people be fed there? What sorts of meals are you preparing for them? What are your intentions with your company? This aspect is a responsibility we conveniently overlook. After a meal (relationship), we aren’t cleaning or doing the introspective portion. We are leaving the dishes for the next person to come in and clean up before they can sit down.
Likewise, the party considering a seat should be attempting to determine whether it’s a table they want to sit at. Even more importantly, is it a table they should be sitting at. Many of us are bringing great attributes, skills, energy, mindsets, and love to tables that are not meant for us. We find ourselves being depressed, drained, exhausted, exploited, and beat down from hosts that are trying to absorb everything we have and not feeding us in return. We are equally responsible to exercise discernment and correct judgement when searching for our table. I say searching because the truth is, we are all looking for a place to call home. We all long for peace and tranquility, and a somewhere we can grow. Well, you can’t grow if you are malnourished or starved altogether.
Anyone can bring anything to this proverbial table, money, good credit, a great physique, intelligence, and so on. However, this does not make them a good person, more importantly, this does not automatically qualify them as your person. Those external attributes are part of the equation, but they aren’t the critical parts of a human being. We are living in a time where very few are looking past the surface. We spoke previously about being more than what you bring. Here, we reiterate that point. Where is the value in sitting at a table with people who can’t think objectively, communicate effectively, be held accountable, or accept responsibility. We find ourselves sitting in silence, or worse, combative and argumentative. That is not what a table is for.
Also, if you are being the person stated above, your table is a petri dish full of bacteria. It is a place where people in the process of healing sit to be reinfected and diminished. You have equal responsibility to sanitize your space. This is your healing process as well. In between meals, you can see what worked and what didn’t. You can address deficiencies within yourself and become a more gracious host. In quite literal terms, you can be more caring, kind, generous, understanding, compassionate, thoughtful, and so on. Whether or not people come to your table, decide to sit and dine, or more importantly, the correct person arrives is completely up to you. I urge you to look in the mirror, examine your plate, seat, and overall dining configuration. Who is sitting next to you that perhaps needs to be asked to leave? Perhaps it isn’t you that is poisoning the meal, but the company with whom you dine trying to extinguish others.
We were meant to have wonderful experiences, to share life with people who both make us better and enhance the quality of that life. This does not come without effort and change. We talk often about accountability in this space. Both the guest and the host must be accountable for the atmosphere that is created in their presence. Let us stop being focused on what someone brings to the table and be focused on what type of individual arrives. Let us also be mindful that the table itself must be one that invites the sort of character that blossoms a beautiful experience. As the Mandalorian said, “This is the way.”
Langley “Casual-Word” Shazor is a poet, author, publisher, entrepreneur, public speaking coach, podcast host, and pastor who is an advocate for youth and men. His goal is to enlighten, empower, and liberate those who are silenced, marginalized, and enslaved to self-destructive thoughts and behaviors.
Visit thecasualword.com.
Editor’s Note: Opinion articles do not represent the views of the Virgin Islands Source newsroom and are the sole expressed opinion of the writer. Submissions can be made to visource@gmail.com.
