Dear Coach Paradise,
Since I haven't seen any new columns, I am hoping that you are still around to help people like me. I was dating a guy and thought things were going pretty well. It ended when I found out he was seeing someone else. I've been going through hell. No matter how old you get, there's still the song "How Can You Mend a Broken Heart?" I can't stop thinking about him and his new love, and it makes me crazy. I have a rock in my gut and wake up feeling sick. Some days are better than others, but I am suffering.
Broken-hearted in paradise
Know that your heart is truly whole and complete. My theory about the endings of relationships is that when you are connecting with another person, and especially when you are intimate with someone, there is a channel of energy that flows between you. When it is flowing easily and is full of love, each person is nourished and it's as though "this little light of mine" glows happily. When the energy channel is cut off or blocked, an important source of nourishment is lost — a kind of starvation. It's interesting that the place where you feel the "socked in the gut" feeling is just above the belly button — our initial connection to all nourishment from the outside.
Endings are losses and grieving is in order. Take good care of yourself while healing — honor the intensity of your feelings. You can't skip this step.
Next focus on the good stuff: on what went right, what you are grateful for, what you wouldn't have traded for the world.
Realize that there is often an addictive quality to our obsession with those we think we love, and much of the pain is akin to withdrawal. This means changing the channel when you keep thinking about your former BF and new love. Remember the law of attraction says that what we focus on expands. You don't want to expand your heartache. You want to be focused on healing and taking the good and moving on to create something even more in alignment with you.
Last but not least, it is good to consider the possibility that grace is always at work in our lives and that, as Byron Katie so succinctly advises, love what is.
I know that you will emerge and the channel will heal and you will allow more love in, love out. It is all a chance to learn and grow and realize that all of our suffering is the result of our beliefs and what we are thinking.
Keep the faith.
Editor's note: Coach Paradise (AKA Anne Nayer), Professional Life Coach, is a member of the International Coaching Federation, an MSW clinical social worker-psychotherapist and a medical case manager with 30 years experience working with people of all shapes, sizes and challenges. For further information about her services, call 774-4355, visit her website or email her.
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Dear Coach Paradise,
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