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Charlotte Amalie
Thursday, March 28, 2024
HomeNewsArchivesCoach Paradise: A Mother's Love Can't Solve a Daughter's Weight Problem

Coach Paradise: A Mother's Love Can't Solve a Daughter's Weight Problem

Dear Coach Paradise,
I have two wonderful daughters. They have both made me very proud. They are kind, creative, intelligent young women. What concerns me is that one of my daughters is overweight and doesn't seem be doing anything about losing it. She was a thin, active child, but has been heavy on and off — mostly on — since her early teenage years.
I have always been concerned about my weight, even though I am within a normal range and some people even say I am small. I have attended Weight Watchers and am a sweet-toothed, binge-eater kind of person. (I'll eat the rest of the cake, given enough time and opportunity.) I feel guilty that my own obsessive relationship with food and weight may have contributed to her problem.
Talking to her usually backfires. She becomes defensive and angry. I worry about the health consequences of obesity, and have mentioned these to her. I just don't know what to do, and I am having a hard time doing nothing — I see her and think about how beautiful she is, how well she is doing, and how much I wish she would lose weight. What do you think?
Signed, Loving mother
Dear Loving Mother,
I can tell from your letter how deeply you care about your daughter, and her heaviness bothers you. I hear you asking two questions: (1) How can I get to a place where I don't feel so distressed by her weight? And (2) How can I influence her to lose weight?
Getting to a place where you can feel better is about learning how to "soothe your energy." Choose thoughts and feelings that turn you in a "downstream" — go with the flow direction. Example: Instead of focusing on, "She is so heavy and I wish she would go on a diet and be thinner," turn you attention to, "I can see how happy she is and how she's making friends, and this is part of being healthy, too," or, "I love her unconditionally, which feels better than worrying or judging." Think of what other perspectives you can take that feel even a little better than your initial worried one. This includes letting yourself off the hook and forgiving yourself for whatever behavior may have contributed to the environment in which she learned about food and body image.
Influencing her is less about doing, controlling or manipulating (even with the best of intentions) than holding a vision of your daughter as a woman who is healthy, who makes good choices that bring her joy and well being. We only have the ability to create our own realities. We can't create someone else's for them, no matter how close they are or how much we love them. How we perceive people and what we think and feel about them has a profound effect, not only on ourselves but also on them.
The familiar example is of teachers who assume lesser abilities of certain students, with the result that these kids under-perform and live "down" to the expectations of their teachers. The same holds true in all of our relationships. We can change external situations by choosing our focus. We can focus on what we love about a person and on their abilities and strengths, or we can focus on what we can't stand, what they keep failing at and on their weakness.
You can imagine the different scenarios that emerge from each mindset. Do the same thing with your daughter and see what happens. Continue to focus on all that you are proud of — on her strength, creativity and intelligence. Picture all these abilities being brought to bear for her own growth and evolution, including her health, well-being and movement through the world. I know you know how important it is to know that we are loved just as we are, especially by our mothers. Acceptance or starting where you are isn't the same thing as resignation — it is acknowledging that the only way to anywhere is from appreciating here.
To the power of maternal love,
Coach Paradise
Editor's note: Coach Paradise (AKA Anne Nayer), Professional Life Coach, is a member of the International Coaching Federation, an MSW clinical social worker-psychotherapist and a medical case manager with 30 years experience working with people of all shapes, sizes and challenges. For further information about her services, call 774-4355, visit her website or email her.

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