Dear Coach Paradise,
I was diagnosed with breast cancer in early December and had a mastectomy just before Christmas. The pathology report on the lymph node they took said that the cancer had not spread and I did not need to have any further treatment. My doctor said that I could speak of having had cancer in the past tense.
Pre- and post-surgery, I wasn’t able to work, had no benefits and wasn’t sure what would happen. I was moved beyond words when my friends had a fund-raiser for me and gave me more than $20,000. I have used some of this money to pay the balance of my medical bills and living expenses but I still have quite a bit left, and this is making me uncomfortable. I am wondering if I should give the money back, donate it to a good cause or hold on to it in case of emergency. I feel guilty and don’t want to take advantage of the love and goodwill of my community of friends.
Signed,
"Ain’t it great to be alive”
Dear Alive,
No wonder you have such a groundswell of friends. Not only is your attitude inspiring but you ARE a good friend and a person of integrity. It is truly wonderful that your illness brought such an outpouring of support and goodwill, and I can tell by your letter that you are grateful.
It sounds like you have handled the money responsibly — i.e., paid medical and other bills as opposed to skipping town or buying a fancy car. You don’t mention that the money came with instructions as to how and on what it could be spent. I can’t advise you to give back, donate or spend the money on this or that. People don’t usually want their gifts returned. There is great pleasure in giving and it sounds like this just might be the path you are itching to embark on. You have graciously received in your time of need and are struggling to come up with a way to give back.
Guilt, while not a pleasant feeling, is encouraging you to do the right thing — something that would demonstrate your appreciation by being a contribution to others. I am sure that you can come up with a way to “pay it forward” — whether this is in monetary terms or not: raising awareness about early diagnosis, access to health care, telling your story, connecting with an agency that raises funds and supports others like you etc.
I suggest that you base your decision on what feels best to you. That will be your biggest indicator that your actions are in alignment with what really matters to you – that you are “in integrity,” which in this case means whole and complete.
What a wonderful dilemma you have. Let me know what you decide to do. I have no doubt that it will be as much of a contribution as the friendship funds were to you. No one has that many friends for nothing.
To your health and well being,
Coach Paradise
Editor's note: Coach Paradise (AKA Anne Nayer), Professional Life Coach, is a member of the International Coaching Federation, an MSW clinical social worker-psychotherapist and a medical case manager with 30 years experience working with people of all shapes, sizes and challenges.
For further information about her services, call 774-4355 or email her.
